I'm a lost star. But I know, so far this has been the "strongest" me. I have practiced acceptance in most part of my everyday struggle. And I know that is/was a great help. Cos I believed my self so much that I can move on, "been there than that" mantra keeps me going. And I know I can let go of the things that I cannot change. Not can but I should.
What makes it hard for me is how I think I understand everything. How I manage to tell everyone that, "it's for the better", "we chose this", "I understand him" ... Blah blah. What's wrong about being negative once! Just once! I always try and push my self in understanding everything and telling everyone I'm okay. Well I am okay, I know I am.. So far I am. But now, I guess just today, I feel a lil bit crazy. As per Jessie J, It's okay not to be okay, sometimes.
If things were a bit different and clearer. I maybe not typing these words and should not be feeling this way. Three month rule is over. Though there's really no rule like that. But I insist, we can have someone already. We should be on the peak of getting to know someone.
Since the day we let each others go and grow. We still see each other every month or every time we like to. Sometimes I'm okay not to have him, like Im super duper okay. Then here he goes again. Messaging me.
So lemme know how can I totally move on? Or even him? How can someone be so wanting to let go but doesn't want to completely forget you or even gooooo? And why am I allowing this set up? We don't talk about relationship, nor about us. We just update each other with the new things. We're more of friends. Damn friends. I can't even type friends.
Now I felt the hurt inside me when he told me anytime this month he'll be leaving. Always his dream. I am happy for him. He's the only person I know who really wants to go abroad. Who will do everything for it. And It will be two effin tears, not, years. No expectations, no promises and no commitment. And from that time, I know that's the only way to start anew, to really move on. To finally move on!!!! I don't know what's gonna happen, but all for the best for us. Time to let go not a little but a lot. So help me, God.
....and up to now, I am not sure if this is LOVE.. If I just don't want to accept that I maybe, still love HIM..
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“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah
Xxx, Juliene Shem
